Martha, Martha, Martha

I'm SURE you noticed that I haven't posted in over a week.

I KNOW you are becoming obsessed, wondering, "When will Ann post again? What is GOING ON??"

Ahhhh...ok...maybe not.

This did happen to a blogger I follow - Jennsylvania - where Jen Lancaster shares funny life moments. You might recognize her name - she, unlike ME, is a published author. Jen hadn't posted in a couple of weeks, and received an avalanche of email demanding an entry.

ME? I got squat from the five of you that read my posts.

Still, you may now be thinking, "Hey, she's right! She HASN'T posted in a while! I have had an extra five minutes every couple days to think happy thoughts!"

You are WELCOME, by the way.

SO...

I decided to have the neighborhood friends over for a landlubber boat picnic. BIG TIP for Midwesterners in Miami - make friends with someone who owns a boat! Patty (who was in Seattle for the stem cell transplant) and her husband Brant kindly include us in many boat picnics. We meet up at the marina with other friends with boats, speed out to the quiet of Elliott Key, and swim, ski, and share goodies until the sun is close to setting. LOVELY!

Patty cannot go on the boat - the ride to Elliott Key is even in calm seas quite choppy. With compromised blood counts, it's not recommended. SO, I said, let's do it without the boats and the ocean!

I love Martha Stewart. With every glue-gunning, pastry rolling, faux finishing bone of my body, I love this woman. I get Martha Stewart Living, and in contrast to popular assumption, the projects are practical, well-explained, and GORGEOUS. I was watching her TV show, and got a couple new menu ideas. (Full Disclosure: I also love the Barefoot Contessa, Michael Chiarello, and Bobby Flay). For my birthday, Barry gave me a food processor. I'm totally tooled up for the occasion.

Here's the thing - in order to "effortlessly" host a party, one must EFFORTFULLY knock oneself out for two days prior to the event.

First - house prep. I keep a decently clean house, but having guests who will be all over the kitchen and bathrooms means special due diligence.

Clean the bathrooms. Notice the grout is grody in the kitchen and Chris' bathroom. Chris uses the "cabana bath" - bathroom with an outdoor access so swimmers can come in without tracking water all over the tile. Guests will use this bathroom. I knock myself out with bleach applications and scrubbing. Back out and am eye level with blinds on the cabana door. Did you ever notice that you live with the window blinds every day and they seem totally fine, but when you look at them through the eyes of "having company", they are disgustingly dusty.

Clean the blinds.

What are all those spots on the windows?

Clean the windows. Light floods the family room!

Oh my goodness, who has been touching the television cabinet after plowing a field?

Super scrub/dust all the wood furniture. From knees on the floor notice...

Why are all the walls exactly at cat/dog height stained? We bathe these animals regularly (Aiden swims daily!).

Squat walk around the house, cleaning every doorway. Notice floor corners dark - Hand wash all the corners and baseboards.

HOURS into this, after accepting that I am soon to be the target of health inspectors who will condemn my house, I decide to lock all bedroom doors and prevent anyone from wandering into the UNCLEAN ZONES.

Second, the meal: It's not as if I don't know that Martha or any Food Network show has 14 people in the background chopping, slicing, and dicing so it looks effortless on screen. I KNOW this. But then, I'm fooled because....it looks so darn effortless! I've got the blender, the food processor and the mixer lined up like mechanical soldiers. I have great knives. Multiple cutting boards. Bowls. Scrapers. Trays. Every recipe has 2,700 ingredients that must be prepped before they are effortlessly put together. For example, a simple spinach salad:

Cook bacon, cool bacon, snip bacon into little pieces (tip: buy PRE-cooked bacon at Sam's)(NO, no bacon bits, they are gross!)
Cook eggs, cool eggs, chop eggs.
Dice onions.
Make Spinach salad dressing: Involves more diced onions, diced cilantro, multiple saucey type ingredients.

I'm 45 minutes into meal prep, and all I've got is a salad! And a mess...because if you can chop and dice and shell eggs and NOT get it all over the floor and countertop, I bow to your superiority.

Last thought: I remember LOVING my mother and grandmother's food. BUT how did they successfully cook without cilantro and extra virgin olive oil - because CILANTRO and EVOO are in EVERY STINKIN' RECIPE I try from the network or magazine. COME ON! Is there something magical about cilantro? Where did it come from? I don't even think it existed in 1975! Or, for that matter in 1995! It's new, but apparently absolutely ESSENTIAL to a well-flavored dish.

Oh, yeah...the party was great. I was the relaxed, consummate hostess. I only had to cook one dish (the risotto), and must have look intriguingly chef-like, because my method attracted a lot of appreciative ohh's and ahh's (or maybe after a hearty round of appetizers and mojitos, people were feeling an over-the-top alcoholic-induced generosity). I did manage to do the job without spraying my kitchen with spices and rice (pre-measured, pre-chopped, PRE PRE PRE PREPARED for assembly!).

It goes without saying that I was exhausted, but isn't that what good entertaining is all about?

Sitting in my clean house and planning to use the leftovers for dinner, I say, "Happy Sunday!"